Nothing has changed, except everything
by Cat Powers Freeling
January 1st 2014
Fuck not knowing what to write on first pages
I’ve think I’ve forgotten how to write
How the fuck do you even forget how to write?
Roses and Red
Violets are Blue
My poetry sucks
I need the loo
If you are still available please do come along to the session today 2-6pm in the Humanties Studio.
We look forward to seeing you.
Fiona & Bertrand
“Are there not little chapters in everybodies life, that seems to be nothing, and yet affect all the rest of the history” – William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair
“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.” – Sean O’Casey
I’ve been thinking, That’s it, I’ve been thinking. About everything, the sun, the government, how Jack got to be such a good dancer. Everything.
Today we looked back on everything we’ve done, how to incorporate it all into our performance. On bits of paper we wrote what we wanted from the project, what we liked most. So I’m looking back on everything we’ve done and thinking about how to incorporate it into myself.
I’ve been so apathetic for so long, so quiet. Then I met these people, in this giant room and I want to run after them and tell them every single time I’ve thought they’re amazing. That Laura is so right, that I’ve never even thought about how culture affects us negatively and now I’m obsessed with the idea. That I adore that Matt is controversial but sticks to his guns, sometimes literally. That I think it’s amazing how Tom can ground his views and ideas in the world around us rationally and still see so much possibility.
I could listen to these people talk about their laundry and be enraptured. They speak about the most mundane things with more passion than I have spoken about anything all year. Luke, confident and vibrant, throws his ideas out strong and proud, in a way I’ve been scared to, while still listening to everything said while Susie, quiet and contained, makes sure we listen to everyone while still presenting some of the most persuasive ideas I’ve heard without even meaning to. And both are so fantastic but so different.
We’re starting to build our performance out of every activity we’ve done so far, every game. We’ve started to create a balance of pure energy and people’s honest political views. Perhaps this is what the project of utopia brings, a small utopia within a room. Bert and Fi created an open platform where I feel just as safe to jump on a table like a gorilla as to discuss political views that might not always be appreciated and now we’ve joined those two things together.
The pair themselves create a balance that vibrates through every part of the project, the sun and moon constantly circling the sky of our little group. And see isn’t that line just ridiculous in itself? But I wrote it, I wrote something and isn’t that just the greatest thing ever? That just a few weeks of this project and I want to write again, I want to stand up on tables and scream my heart out about everything that I’ve ever thought was unfair and now I have that table. Literally, today I stood on a table and screamed like a gorilla. Plus they are just like the sun and the moon, Fi all bright light and bubbling and Bert like the moon, mysterious and inspiring.
So I’m going to carry on in this little utopia while I can, I’m going to stare adoringly when Jack breaks out in some of the sassiest dance moves I’ve ever seen to then flow into some of the most revolutionary ideas I’ve ever dreamt of hearing. I’m going to go home every night with the most fantastical and the most rational ideas in my mind. I’m going to remember Ali booming the importance of silence and the joys of space next time I’m itching to fill the empty spaces in life because how can you forget someone who feels something so strongly in a way that seems to fill every part of their body. It’s that passion in everyone that’s so bloody amazing.
It’s not even like I’m the only person growing, Ellen’s like a flower, unfolding petal by petal to bloom, with every session louder and more passionate, making it even more interesting to hear her speak and act. We’ve all got the potential and we’re all grasping it more and more with each session. Will throws a balance of left and right wing ideas into a seamlessly blended concoction and now I can’t even begin to understand how I view the world, what time really is. And Jess is this glorious human being with so much to say and how ridiculous is it that I’m even writing all these things down.
People aren’t contained in words, people like these weird and wild ones aren’t so easily pinned down. Sometimes I feel left behind by all of them, like they’re all dancing to the beat of this drum that I’ll never be able to hear. Perhaps they know that I wasn’t one of them when I started, one of the people that you hear of in songs. But then again, maybe not, maybe fuck that idea. Maybe I’ll do whatever the hell I want and stand however I want to stand. Maybe baby, maybe.
So was all of this was gratuitous, self –loving, written porn, a love letter to myself? It’s still the most I’ve written in months both in length and honesty. It’s cheesy and it’s ridiculous to type but that’s what this whole project has been to me, to know how I stand. Even if not a single audience member is touched by the show, I think it’s safe to say that even at this stage in the project, it’s started to do what it’s named after. To know how you stand, it’s making me get to know how I stand and for me that’s enough, that makes all this worth it.
“We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.”— Ray Bradbury